If your idea of a dream home is the same as April and Andy’s on Parks & Recreation— “This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line… People seem to be scared off, on account of it being haunted and disgusting.” —these ten homes might be perfect for you. Full disclosure: some of them are not disgusting, and are actually gorgeous and stately, but they all look like they could be satisfyingly spooky. Brace yourself for the scariest house hunting of your life! (Unless you’ve attempted to buy a house in the Bay Area, of course, which is infinitely worse.)
William Parks House
Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada
In addition to an extremely imposing facade, this 6,500-square-foot 1850 home boasts a widow’s walk, a “grand entrance embellished w/untouched floor to ceiling trompe l’oeil painted walls,” and plenty of portraits that, I assume, follow you with their eyes as you move about.
I read the description for this property looking for facts and figures—year built (1860), number of rooms, etcetera—but amidst all of that information were a few straight-up terrifying gems. This is pure Gothic horror poetry:
It cannot be seen from the road. It is fenced off with various livestock running about the grounds.
Very private location.
Doors and windows are man-sized.
The floors are able to support tremendous weight.
The caretaker for the property is willing to stay on.
Do not buy this place. I don’t want any of you to get murdered.
$3,500,000 (price reduced 90%!!!)
When else will you have the chance to save $31.5 million? Buy this 1886 10,457-square-foot, 17-bedroom, 19-bathroom behemoth and you’ll finally have 500-year-old fireplaces sourced from around the world, over-the-top woodwork, a butler’s pantry, solarium, library, and plenty of other rooms in which murders took place in the game Clue. My money’s on the turret room as Most Likely To Be Haunted.
The Charles LaDow House
Albany, New York
This is one of those houses that seems like it should have a bunch of gargoyles, but doesn’t. If you decide to buy this 1892 house, try to negotiate the price down so you have enough money left over to install a few gargoyles. The interior stairway is like an M.C. Escher come to life, and the listing describes “rounded closet doors,” but no closet photos are included. HOW are they rounded?!? Buy it and find out. And then tell me.
This former church might not be currently haunted, but since the exterior is asbestos, buy it and perhaps you’ll have the chance to haunt it! The bell tower overlooking the river is a great place for lurking creepily, whether you’re alive or dead.
Fulton Street Victorian
Gloversville, New York
This looks like the house that all of the neighborhood kids skip when they go trick-or-treating. In 1987, Mikey touched the front door on a dare and was never heard from again.
The Willie Jones House
Halifax, North Carolina
I love the all white and grey palette of this house; it’s like the evil twin of Papa Elf’s house from the movie Elf. And at this low, low price, if you do convert this 18th Century property into a haunted house, you’ll make your money back in no time!
Eatonon Civil War Hospital
Built in 1845, this is one of Eatonton’s oldest residence. The home was the first U.S. Marshal’s headquarters in Central Georgia, and was used during the Civil War as a hospital. The two-story home has a wonderful front porch with large entry hall built 4 over 4. The front library has large murals painted of Br’er Rabbit characters. Home is in need of renovation to restore it to its finest.
Haunted Hill House
Mineral Wells, Texas
No Kon Mari-ing in this allegedly haunted house! “Owner also stated NOT TO REMOVE any objects from home or property or house, spirits are attached to their belongings.” The house has two full bathrooms— “Alleged 3rd bathroom built but sealed totally up, why? No one knows.”— and “with 5-2 bedrooms?” This is not super informative (how can there be 5-2 bedrooms?), but I’m reluctant to be too critical because it appears that the writer died mid-description: “The STAIRCASE is amazing and it”… and it WHAT?!? That’s how it ends, so we may never know.
Finally, I couldn’t resist showing you one more house, even though it’s off the market; I literally gasped in horror/delight when I saw this 1874 property. The exterior is amazing, boarded-up windows and all, and the interior is even better. Peeling wallpaper juxtaposed with luxe red velvet curtains, a mysterious piano-like instrument, and The Hallway Of Many Wallpapers?!? It’s all haunted house-chic to the max.